Last night my friend asked me if I had any other “methods” like the “laundry method”. I texted him back with some things I do, but in reality the biggest thing my husband and I do at our house is split evening responsibilities. You’ll note I didn’t say “household”, “kid”, or “chores”. EVENING responsibilities. What this means is that one of us is the responsible parent for the evening and that parent is the one that guides our crazy ship into dock that night. When I say “split”, I mean we alternate nights. We have been married for 12.5 years and have practiced this for about nine of them. Our daughter happens to be a little over nine years old…this is not a coincidence.
My husband and I are very different individuals when it comes to interpersonal styles, strategy (or strategic thinking, if you’d prefer), and food preferences. That said, we are both very logical and realistic. As such, we have a very, very good ability to create lists of things in our heads and keep track of things – things like who did the last load of dishes, who changed the last three diapers, etc. When Mack was an infant we realized VERY quickly that if we were going to survive an infant AND stay happily married then we needed to introduce some diplomacy to the mix. So, I created a system whereby every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday one of us would be responsible for all things after work (which, admittedly, was mostly baby related since that was our whole world at the time). The other person got Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, with Saturday being a free-for-all. The point-person would make dinner, take care of Mack, bathe her, put her to bed, etc. The other person was free to schedule book club, volleyball, golf, whatever. The person not on-point for the evening was responsible for dishes and had zero veto power on what was watched on television after Mack went to bed.
Nine years later, and we still adhere to this method. Sure, we don’t actually have to bathe Mack anymore, and she has to clean up after herself at meals, but we still have the responsible party for all major decisions (like how late Mack can stay up), homework assistance, and reading books before bedtime. We still allow the responsible party to choose what we watch after Mack is in bed, and the really great part is that Mack is so used to this she simply knows “whose night it is” so she doesn’t even bother to attempt to pit us against each other. In all these nine years of this “method of fairness and equality” I can honestly say we have never argued about any of this stuff. Never. Not once have we thrown a fit at the other for not pulling their own weight. It is the most serene existence, and it still allows us to do what we want to do. Josh still plays on a volleyball league as well as a basketball league. I make pottery and do crafts, and we both occasionally go out with friends to see movies. Not once do we ever have to remind the other person they have “been out a lot this week”, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
The cool part of it is that we both occasionally travel for work so we pay it forward with our responsibilities. So, if I’m going to be gone two nights one week, I front-load the week prior so Josh can take care of any hobby stuff, lounging, etc. that he wants to do, and vice versa.
The really genius part of all of this is that we’re not excluding anyone. If I don’t have pottery to make or plans to go somewhere then I’m eating with my family and hanging out playing board games just like normal. But if I want to go take a bath and read a book during Mack’s bedtime, I don’t have to feel guilty because the routine is already set. Having a systematic plan (which seems very confining) is actually the most freeing thing in the world! It frees you up to make that loaf of bread, crochet that baby blanket while watching football, or to go play nine holes without any feelings of guilt. No one feels abandoned, no one feels put-upon, and we are all the happier for it.
Fitting it in means equality in responsibility and enjoyment of the freedom of procedure.
Fitting It All In 